Favorite Hymn

Church today was good. A Sacrament meeting planned two months ago that kept getting pushed back. I’m glad it didn’t happen when it should’ve – we wouldn’t have lived here, yet. There were 3 different speakers. Each was asked to tell what his/her favorite hymn was, and why, before we sang or listened to part of it. I enjoyed the meeting because there was a big focus on music, because I felt like I related to several of the speakers well, and because I had some time to think about personal experiences while listening. I love the hymns and hold them as dear as the scriptures. They’ve often been used as answers to prayers. I was thinking in church about one particular experience I had with a hymn and I really wanted to share it but I was a little nervous to use this venue. Oh well.

I’ve been thinking about the boys that we named Eli and Ben a lot lately. We’re (too) quickly approaching the 1 year anniversary of their birth and the surrounding events. It’s been a really introspective few weeks as I’ve been thinking about them and the situation a lot.

A, their (birth)mom, told us that she had chosen to keep the babies when they were three days old. We had arrived at the hospital that morning, as she asked, with clothes, bottles, car seats, blankets and jackets. Everything we would need to bring those tiny, beautiful babies back with us. I left devestated. A very large part of me would not accept that this adoption would not be proceeding. I kept thinking that, since she was staying one more day in the hospital, she would surely “come to”, change her mind again, and call us back. To me, it wasn’t over until she left the hospital with the babies, and in my mind – she wouldn’t do that. She couldn’t do that. At the moment she told us she was keeping them, she still had not considered where or how to find clothing, car seats, bottles – anything. In my mind, as soon as she really started planning on how she would support these two baby boys – in addition to her 19 month old – she would call us back.

The next day we got a phone call. She had left the hospital and was at her grandparents home with the boys. And this is where I officially fell apart. My grandmother had flown to Philadelphia from Los Angeles to help us with Jacob during our hoped-for family transition. We had her take Jacob to the lobby to run around right after we got the news. And I melted into a puddle of anger and hopelessness and anger and confusion and sadness and devestation and despair and even more anger. I was angry at God. I was angry at A. I was almost angry at Nathan for not feeling as intensly as I was (he was – just showed it differently). We cried and I probably yelled and cried even more. After about an hour we decided we needed to kneel together and pray – being angry with God is stupid and fruitless. By then, we were sorry the emotion ever came about. After we spent more time praying and talking, Nathan went downstairs, and I spent more time kneeling by the bed.

I wasn’t angry anymore. I was hurt and lost. I was completely confused. I was a mess. I had had several blessings and several different answers to prayers that told me I would be the mom to those boys, that they were supposed to be in our family. I believed them. And now? Everything was just so wrong. Was there a God? Did he care about me or those babies let alone love us? What was His plan and why wouldn’t he share the details? Could His plan really be wiser and better than the one I thought best for my family and those twin babies? I poured all these feelings out in prayer, pleading for an answer. Begging to feel a comfort I hadn’t felt in several days.

When my mind cleared a little, I had phrases come into my mind that I knew were from a hymn. I couldn’t place them at the time, which was odd. Now I appreciate that the words and recognition came slowly, because it let the words and phrases swirl around for some time – really hitting home a deeper meaning – until the three verses and the hymn became clear:

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

(verses 3-5 of Hymn #85, How Firm a Foundation)

It sure wasn’t the answer I wanted. I was shopping more for a “hey! I still have time to pull off a miracle here, be patient!” Instead, I got a warm feeling of “I know you. I love you. I know those babies. I love them, too.” Every time I’ve heard that song since that day, I’ve had a hard time getting through. I’ve wondered and doubted and feared a lot the past year, but my faith has always managed to pull me out on top. Especially when I remember this hymn, and how it was an answer to my prayer.

Do any of you have favorite hymns to share?

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